Layers of Grief

This is a personal note on grief.

Grief has taken me on the wildest adventures.

At first it was absolute denial. It just wasn't acceptable. How could someone so kind be taken from earth so soon. Against all odds and mostly agains all prayers.

Desperation took over and turned me inside out. My ground was shaking and all my pillars fell apart so heavily they have pierced through concrete, creating the largest black holes.

That darkness soon became the place of comfort. It was so much easier there. To switch off the lights and roll over myself, finding solace in exquisite sadness. Closing all the doors to fake illusions of happiness. There I felt it was all real. So real I thought I might as well die myself.

Through solitude I could start hearing the whispers of silence.

Like a sweet lullaby caressing my soul:

shhhh... I am here...

shhhh... I am loving you...

shhhh... take care of your self....

shhh... live the beautiful you...

In between breaths I found the strength to follow my instinct and gently lift my chin to see the flickering flame ahead, burning with love and faith.

Love for myself and faith in the mysteries of the universe. As if somehow I now had a wider understanding of the language with no words. As if through darkness I have learned to see with new eyes.

Forgiving my spirit for what my human self wasn't brave enough to do.

Learning to love myself unconditionally. Knowing that I will always have myself to hold me in my arms. Feeling in my heart that we are together, closer than ever. Expanding the limits of perception, beyond what the eye can see and the body can feel.

Speaking the words of silence. Finding joy in the tangible gifts that trespass all borders. Understanding there is always a balance between shadow and light. Discovering my true life purpose through this hurricane of death.

Gratitude is bliss.

I would wish upon a star that he would still be here but I am not only grateful for having him in my life as I am deeply grateful for all the light that his absence has brought:

Teaching me how to be a better human. Defying the limits of belief. Letting me know that silence can hold the whole universe inside. That life is precious and we are here to be the best version of ourselves. Honoring our ancestors while creating a meaningful and inspiring legacy. It is this eternal connection.

We are all one.

Hearts beating together as a whole. Blessed to be a part of each other. The brightest light rises from the ashes of the deepest darkness. Holding on to love and faith. With gratitude.

Much LOVE,

Cristiana Vaz Franco

Images:

• Marcel Van Luit