The Wonded Child was still in me, forgotten...🌩️

And so I took two months off to give myself attention and recover. Recovering from 15 years of intense service as I healed and healed.

To what extent becoming a wounded healer was a need of the soul, a cry for help...A way of being in the constant soup of healing...

Looking back now....I see that a rising spiral of depth traces the path of the one who heals and rises.... Until one day integration takes place and suffering softens into wisdom.

I often wonder if paying attention to the infinite layers of healing is the best option...because sustaining a life that is aware of what is truly there can be tiring or overwhelming for an ego that demands healing...a desperation that has set in...Like a child who wants to stop the pain at all costs....And aren't we still almost all suffering children who don't know what to do?

But I don't see any other way... I really don't.... Sustaining the discomfort in the face of pain and what constantly takes us out of our safety zone, opening our hearts again, knowing what hurts us, embracing what hurts and creating a bed where we lie down that allows us to regenerate... knowing what the right point is to stop understanding the origin of suffering and just focus on what we truly want to create... because in addition to our history, we carry that of our ancestors and all the people we relate to directly or indirectly... we carry the eternal and vastly complex universe right here inside us....

There are no rules.... We actually want a lifeline, we want a magic pill, someone to tell us what to do, how to save ourselves.... But none of this really works, because we live in an internal soup full of everything.... And stopping to listen and feel it can be overwhelming.... Perhaps life is both overwhelming and beautiful in a way that no words can reveal

I took these 2 months off.

At first, I felt the subtle addiction that lives in me to work, to worry, to solve, to create, to be needed, to be the savior of those who suffer .... Not because I want something like to be recognized... no... but because it's become a

Modus operandi that I've unconsciously accepted from my family... it's not their responsibility... it's only mine... I've taken it as reality...

But the truth is that letting go, letting my team take responsibility, leaving our child in their hands has brought them space, fresh air, place, presence, creativity, responsibility, freedom.... And all of this has made our company a better, happier place, where they are fulfilled...

I saw once again how my tiredness had less to do with the thousands of clients and more to do with the story of the sexual abuse I suffered for so many years... once again .... I saw how a trauma, even if worked on intensely, can survive in deep layers of our being....

And I cried... again... slow, calm tears from my adult self who looks calmly and with maternal love at my child who has felt so dirty and ugly so many times.... And I felt her asking me for my lap again... because I forgot to give her my lap...

I saw how the savior in me forgot to keep saving this little child who lives in me.... Saving someone else is easier than saving this suffering part of me... and so much work done... and here I am... that's the truth.

And do we save anyone but ourselves?

I don't think so... we help... but no one is saved in the end... only you can do that.... Only you can accept help and decide to heal, regenerate, save yourself.... Turning your pain into wisdom... otherwise... there are no hours of psychotherapy, no liters of ayahuasca, no endless prayers that can help us.... Because there is an inner place where we have to turn help into organic matter, make it our own, digest it and feel it for ourselves.... We are God.... Not in a philosophical or religious sense... we are the raw universe that contains everything and it is our consciousness that has to polish this existence into creation.... Giving rise to a new birth of reality ....

The arrival of a child in my life triggered the little Rita who wanted someone to come and save her... who never arrived.... The one who needed a certain amount of attention and didn't get it... and seeing a small child who isn't mine somehow brought out the whole story of my child....

Looking at the separation of a family head-on... as I experienced... as I did later... Looking head-on at the pain that often causes parents to use their children to hurt themselves, to anesthetize their own pain has reawakened in Me the child who saw her family break up... the adult in me who was separated and separated her children from those they loved on a daily basis... I revisit those places and hold some of the pain that still exists... and it does... like guilt, loneliness, the desire to experience a sincere love...And what will that really be? Questions... one thing I have to be thankful for is the true friendship that remained after the separation and that we accepted what was most important to our children and didn't put them between wars... but that... doesn't erase or minimize certain pains.

I'm the mother of 2 boys and I thought the big cure was with the male part.... And it was too....Men aren't all bad, all men aren't weak, all men don't cheat... they're also good, they're also innocent, they're also loving and beautiful, they also need love and affection... they're beautiful.... Healing from the abuse of someone I loved took a long time and my children made me regain my trust and admiration for men.... Loving those 2 babies unconditionally, loving the men they became was one of the greatest healings I've ever experienced....

But a few years ago another deep healing started again... the relationship with my mother who didn't see what happened for so many years... how could I trust women... or the urge to trust and attract the same betrayal to wake me up....

So my tiredness that I felt lately was about this....I decided to stop everything and look inside.... To look at what was crying inside me... that betrayal from the one who should be there but isn't.... Life trying to make me look at the child who is still stuck in this situation without knowing what to do... and ask for help now that I'm 46.... Because the truth is that this healing is internal and nothing and nobody is going to do it for me...

So I stopped... I stopped everything and I allowed myself to feel the discomfort of what was repeating itself, I felt the pain of this child who is projecting into my current relationships what has not been resolved due to inability, due to not knowing at the age of 5 what to do in a such a situation.... Not at 7, not at 9, not at 11 or 13....

I've seen how I want to save someone who doesn't want to be saved or can't accept help because it's easier to look outside than at MY child... so I give excessive chances to those who don't deserve them.... To those who don't want it... to those who are still in a state of survival too and trying at all costs not to feel their own suffering....

And I stopped... I stopped everything and looked inside

And I felt so much compassion for my child, for my soul that still carries this history and memory... but which is not me, which is not my essence... and I dedicate these 2 months to this deep healing....

I have the right to pick myself up and lick my wounds, I have the right to say no to those who hurt me, I have the right to protect my integrity and what I believe in, to treat my heart with delicacy and love... I have the right to push away those who don't respect it ....

I have the right to do what my dear little one can't do... in fact, she should never have been put in such a situation...

But life is life.... It's as overwhelming as it is ecstatically beautiful... Being alive is as painful as it is loving...

Accepting this and doing it in practice is not easy as it contradicts my entire paradigm learned through this reinforced learning almost every night for many years... so saying no, then refusing, then putting limits, then defending.... It's a big part of my healing.... As is forgiving....

This journey has been overwhelming

Inner... overwhelming with so much clarity.... But there's nothing hopeless about it.... All these years on a path of healing and awareness have given me the peace of mind to dive in with open eyes and a torn heart to embrace this inner adventure of transforming pain into wisdom...

It's been incredibly beautiful... to look at so many parts again... but now as a whole... it's as if I'm on the verge of death in order to give birth again...

Seeing that the position of leadership that I've always run away from has helped me to heal and bring out so much creativity and wisdom.... But that too has to change... leadership requires a more masculine form and strength... and the woman that is healing in me needs more space... contemplation, being the womb that receives life and energy that it accepts in order to make it its own and create something again that will have a life of its own... needs more feminine places... where the me gives way to the we.... Choosing people to share that space.... People who really want to share and not usurp... and not take... and not abuse... but who want to add... it's a need both of Mine and of the human soul, to sing and dance together, to cook and talk, to tell stories around the fire, to heal together... to give the feminine a sacred place again.... It's something I deeply need...

So some leave my life because I consciously choose to... others stay because they share this vision...

These two months that are called vacations... I call them the deepest retreat of my life so far

I don't know where I'll end up...

But it's been incredibly beautiful to be able to host this journey

Internally while living with family and giving what I have most sacred to give: my time and my love...

Doing this and taking those who come into my life and looking at their personal history... seeing their pain and joy up close and learning from them in order to heal myself is a blessing that only now, at 46, I have the strength to touch...

God knows what he's doing.... And I follow this path....

Thank you God for everything

Thank you for knowing how much I can heal and when I can do it... this perfection hidden in imperfections makes me sing and fall to my knees and give thanks for universal wisdom.... I go on and on without

Stop....